The Cost of Forgiveness

She tapped my shoulder, approaching slowly with her doe-eyed expression to say hi.

It cannot be helped - unavoidable; as we attend the same community.

The familiarity of her behavior gave me chills - as if time had warped and brought myself to the 23-year old girl who encountered him in 2013.

Empathetic at all that he was going through with his relationships as he sang his agony. I thought I was consoling his heart, oblivious to the aggravation I have brought onto their relationships. No one told me to stay out of a fragile relationship especially if the party closer to you is of the opposite sex.

No one.

Or so I told myself.

After all, we want to believe that we are good; justify our deeds; vindicate our hearts.

Bruce Lee once said:

"Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them."

Forgiveness is easy when the other party comes to you apologetic and remorseful.

But what if they are not?

What if they do not even remotely acknowledge that that have hurt you - deeply?

How do you face the reality of them walking with their chins up without the slightest bit of guilt?

How do you forgive the person who crushed your heart, feigned innocence, and threw all of the fault on your shoulder?

I sat quiet in the darkness of my room, darkness of my heart, and truth to be told, I can't.

I have searched my heart, searched my soul, my mind.

The best of myself could not gather enough strength, enough power to overcome the negativity of my emotions. 

I felt defeated.
For even my best effort is no power against the forces of sins.

Yet there it was, the still small voice that transcended the clamoring chaos of my heart, as I curled up at the realization of my smallness.

"My Child, but I have... I am..."
   
He has done... He is here...

My almighty God has made my heart His home.

And because He dwells in me, the anchor of my life is no longer the ailing nature of my heart, but the love of my Jesus who has demonstrated in every way what it means to love and forgive.

My Jesus... betrayed, persecuted, abandoned, by the very people He loves - the sinners - me.

And in spite of it all, as He was suffering on the cross, made us the very reason to press on.

How can my heart not be compelled?

For there is nothing I will do, that Christ Himself hadn't already demonstrated for me.

Or as Andy Stanley puts it (':

You've Never Been This Way Before

The ray of sunlight slipped through the gap between my curtains, and as I flinched at the glaring light, I couldn't help but think to myself that today... is a good day.
Genuinely, I have never felt so joyful - so peaceful.

A month ago, I would never have imagined waking up with a heart so full, so ready to live - really live in abundance: to laugh, to give, to love... 

It's funny how God speaks to you sometimes. 
A few days ago I came across an advertisement at the airport from LG which showed a city that decided to turn off all of their skyline, and as the camera shifted its focus upwards, it captured the colors and the stars of the sky - dancing, illuminating the pitch dark sky.

What if sometimes, the "good things" in our lives is the very thing hindering us from seeing the perfect thing? 
What if, the comfort of the four walls of our house is the very thing preventing us from witnessing the grandeur of the world?

I could not help but be reminded of Paul's cry to the Lord:

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Our natural tendency is to squirm from suffering, to hasten the harder seasons, if possible to avoid it at all cost.

But why is it that in the middle of my pain, ironically, I discovered the very thing my soul has truly longed for? 
That in the midst of my emotional dejection, my eyes are open to a love that extends further than I could ever imagined.

Have my heart been settling for the lesser things?
And if we depend our lives on the feebleness of "good things" how fickle would our lives then be, for those will surely pass away.

I shut my eyes hard at the thought of future storms, future tribulations.

Can I believe in a tender, loving God who relentlessly, tirelessly, work all for the best of my life?
.....
I mean, is there even any other way?

Be Still My Heart

I have just received some bad news from a friend who witnessed an unpleasant sight regarding him.

How am I feeling?

Anger.

Betrayal.

Confusion.

Disappointment.

The thoughts - excuses, lies, unfaithfulness - of the things that he told me, when all along it was simply to conceal the presence of another person in his life.

Also because I should have known better as we started off the same - him telling me that he had issues with his girlfriend, which ultimately led to a closer relationship between us and ultimately fell for each other.

How did I not see it coming? 

There are so many things I want to say, so many things I want to do. I want to start a war, but I don't know...
There's a still but strong voice in my heart that tells me otherwise:

To sit still.

To wait upon the Lord.

To be at rest.

"What will those actions accomplish, Stella?"

Nothing, I guess, Lord...

"Cast it all on me..."

It hurts..

"I know, but trust Me"

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight (Proverbs 3)

Okay Jesus...