How to Love with a Broken Heart

It was a chilly September night, yet the temperature of my body was boiling as I woke up and wiped the sweat across my forehead.

4:00.

I scoffed to myself. It was the fifth night my sleep was interrupted by the misery of my heart - or perhaps, it was the work of a loving Father who longed to lure me into the wilderness of my own emotions to speak tenderly to my heart..?

I don't know.

All I know was the perennial question that clung heavily onto my mind: 

Will I, ever be fully restored? 

Will I, ever be healed - completely - to love again, after all of the betrayal?

Will I, ever be able to fully allow someone access to my heart and risk being hurt all over again?

He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147)

-----

My heart was beating fast; excitement welled up at the thought of J - a new man I am currently seeing - picking me up from the airport close to midnight. 

And there he was, grinning from ear to ear the moment he saw me emerged from the arrival gate. 

He walked briskly towards me and immediately took all of my luggage before giving me a warm long hug. 

We walked towards his car, and to my surprise, he had prepared a bouquet of wild flowers (my favorite) before closing the door for me.

I've known J for six years now, and to witness him did all these for me - I have to admit he went way beyond his comfort zone. 

Yet before I could enjoy and taste the sweetness of his gestures, the enjoyment was swiftly robbed off of my own mind; as if someone had poured acid over a beautiful painting I was admiring. 

The hurt seeped in mercilessly, and before I knew it, I found my heart shrinking out fear of the all too familiar path towards potentially another broken relationship.

Papa, it's been four months you know...

Papa, someone told me he loves me, but why does my heart shrivel in fear?

Papa, why do I find myself withdrawing to a space of potential pain when I am supposed to bask in goodness?

I smiled at J as he looked away - shifting his attention to the road, tears welled up as I turned to look outside the window.

Fully restored?

I don't even know what complete restoration truly means at this point.

And I don't think I could ever forget the searing pain that I had experienced. 

...and frankly, I am not so sure I want to forget.

As much as the thought of a shiny, unblemished heart is quintessential, I have grown to accept and embrace the scars of my heart.

These scars are proof of my healed wounds.

These scars have enlarged the capacity of my heart to love like Jesus.

And most importantly, these scars have aided me in ministering to the other wounded hearts out there reading this blog.

The evidence of healing does not lie in the absence of scar.

The evidence of healing is the scar itself - the scar that has shaped me to be a bigger person.

His mercies begin afresh each morning.

His manna was rained upon His people every day.

Did you know, the word "manna" literally means "what is it?"

I might not know the mystery of God, what I do know though… is that His steadfast love never ceases.

He loves me; therefore He will uphold my life. 

There is no need for me to cling on to the littleness of my heart, the daunting thought of my fears of the future anymore.

Except to walk with Jesus - day by day, manna to manna, mercies to mercies - for He is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think.

And should your mind beg the question:

"What if my new relationship fails?"

My dear,  

What if your new relationship thrives?

What if it inspires your circle of friends?

What if it equips your future generations?

What if your story becomes someone's last reason to hope in their darkest time?

What if it is in the daily sustenance that you began to experience the unlimited love of God that surpasses all suffering?

You are not broken my precious friend... you merely broke free.

Because You've always stood up for me, I am free to run and play. (Psalm 63)

The Cost of Forgiveness

She tapped my shoulder, approaching slowly with her doe-eyed expression to say hi.

It cannot be helped - unavoidable; as we attend the same community.

The familiarity of her behavior gave me chills - as if time had warped and brought myself to the 23-year old girl who encountered him in 2013.

Empathetic at all that he was going through with his relationships as he sang his agony. I thought I was consoling his heart, oblivious to the aggravation I have brought onto their relationships. No one told me to stay out of a fragile relationship especially if the party closer to you is of the opposite sex.

No one.

Or so I told myself.

After all, we want to believe that we are good; justify our deeds; vindicate our hearts.

Bruce Lee once said:

"Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them."

Forgiveness is easy when the other party comes to you apologetic and remorseful.

But what if they are not?

What if they do not even remotely acknowledge that that have hurt you - deeply?

How do you face the reality of them walking with their chins up without the slightest bit of guilt?

How do you forgive the person who crushed your heart, feigned innocence, and threw all of the fault on your shoulder?

I sat quiet in the darkness of my room, darkness of my heart, and truth to be told, I can't.

I have searched my heart, searched my soul, my mind.

The best of myself could not gather enough strength, enough power to overcome the negativity of my emotions. 

I felt defeated.
For even my best effort is no power against the forces of sins.

Yet there it was, the still small voice that transcended the clamoring chaos of my heart, as I curled up at the realization of my smallness.

"My Child, but I have... I am..."
   
He has done... He is here...

My almighty God has made my heart His home.

And because He dwells in me, the anchor of my life is no longer the ailing nature of my heart, but the love of my Jesus who has demonstrated in every way what it means to love and forgive.

My Jesus... betrayed, persecuted, abandoned, by the very people He loves - the sinners - me.

And in spite of it all, as He was suffering on the cross, made us the very reason to press on.

How can my heart not be compelled?

For there is nothing I will do, that Christ Himself hadn't already demonstrated for me.

Or as Andy Stanley puts it (':

You've Never Been This Way Before

The ray of sunlight slipped through the gap between my curtains, and as I flinched at the glaring light, I couldn't help but think to myself that today... is a good day.
Genuinely, I have never felt so joyful - so peaceful.

A month ago, I would never have imagined waking up with a heart so full, so ready to live - really live in abundance: to laugh, to give, to love... 

It's funny how God speaks to you sometimes. 
A few days ago I came across an advertisement at the airport from LG which showed a city that decided to turn off all of their skyline, and as the camera shifted its focus upwards, it captured the colors and the stars of the sky - dancing, illuminating the pitch dark sky.

What if sometimes, the "good things" in our lives is the very thing hindering us from seeing the perfect thing? 
What if, the comfort of the four walls of our house is the very thing preventing us from witnessing the grandeur of the world?

I could not help but be reminded of Paul's cry to the Lord:

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Our natural tendency is to squirm from suffering, to hasten the harder seasons, if possible to avoid it at all cost.

But why is it that in the middle of my pain, ironically, I discovered the very thing my soul has truly longed for? 
That in the midst of my emotional dejection, my eyes are open to a love that extends further than I could ever imagined.

Have my heart been settling for the lesser things?
And if we depend our lives on the feebleness of "good things" how fickle would our lives then be, for those will surely pass away.

I shut my eyes hard at the thought of future storms, future tribulations.

Can I believe in a tender, loving God who relentlessly, tirelessly, work all for the best of my life?
.....
I mean, is there even any other way?

Be Still My Heart

I have just received some bad news from a friend who witnessed an unpleasant sight regarding him.

How am I feeling?

Anger.

Betrayal.

Confusion.

Disappointment.

The thoughts - excuses, lies, unfaithfulness - of the things that he told me, when all along it was simply to conceal the presence of another person in his life.

Also because I should have known better as we started off the same - him telling me that he had issues with his girlfriend, which ultimately led to a closer relationship between us and ultimately fell for each other.

How did I not see it coming? 

There are so many things I want to say, so many things I want to do. I want to start a war, but I don't know...
There's a still but strong voice in my heart that tells me otherwise:

To sit still.

To wait upon the Lord.

To be at rest.

"What will those actions accomplish, Stella?"

Nothing, I guess, Lord...

"Cast it all on me..."

It hurts..

"I know, but trust Me"

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight (Proverbs 3)

Okay Jesus...

I Can't Take it Anymore...

Do you know what is the most tempting thing to do when faced with pain?

Run away.

To push, and to distant yourself from the gut-wrenching situation that engulfs and suffocates - so much so that sometimes you wish you would just fall asleep and never wake up. I remember the raw feeling of pain, so unbearable that sometimes death seems like an easier choice.

During the 2 weeks of break we had, I find myself in that space of struggle between two options; to run away from the situation, or to run towards the solution - God - which could take a major inside job that might not give immediate result.
To be quite honest, sometimes letting go and letting God hurts more than I want it to. I mean, do I really want to go through the painful process of an inside job on top of the hurt I am already experiencing?

Don't you think?
It seems so much easier for us to run away: to sweep the issue under a rug and convince ourselves that we can live with it. Then, after it is concealed into that corner of our hearts that we deny, we take the next step by turning to what we think brings us happiness: shopping/ drinking/ traveling/ working/ etc.

So, I did.
I hung out with my very good friend; we ate, we laughed, we shopped, we indulged ourselves in the things that made me "happier." And for a moment i actually convinced myself that all I had to do was occupy myself with these things every single day until time heals the wound.

Yet, the days I drew from the "happiness" I thought could sustain my joy, were the days I crash the hardest. The silence of the dawn had forced me to face the reality of the heart - the harrowing realization that my heart was emptier than before. 

We often view these activities and/or aspirations as anecdotes to the pain of our hearts, wishing that it would somehow diminish the scars - perhaps completely - so we could walk again with confidence. 
Or as the saying goes: "Love like you have never been hurt"

Ironically, in this 26 years of experiences living, I find that the people who have the greatest capacity to love are the ones who are vulnerable enough to be broken.

You see, those mess under the rug will never go away as much as we would like delude ourselves that the surface is clean. If anything, the piles are going to get higher we cannot help but trip over it one day.

Pretending pain never happened does not make us a whole person. Accepting pain happened, and witnessing the beauty it produces does.

Perhaps it is in those moments of fragility, when we surrender to the Perfecter, that we become truly whole.

Who is the Anchor of Your Soul?

The most resonant advice I have received from the first few friends I opened up was to allow only the voice of God be heard in the midst of my turbulence.

I did not realize the weight of those words until I finally opened up to more people - now that our status was clear.

With the best interest in their hearts, some of the advices I have gotten go along the lines of:

1) It happening because I deserved someone better

"Well, I don't think you deserve being treated that way, God must have someone better"

2) Why he did it despite the prior commitment/promise

"Did he consult with any wise counsel before making such a serious decision?"

3) Justifying his deeds with theorizations

"Perhaps he met someone new..."

When situations do not work out the way we want to, it is almost natural for us to immediately search for reasons or persons to blame. We want to justify our flesh by speculating according to our glasses - perception.

Why?

Perhaps pride.

The truth is, these thoughts have gushed through my mind more than I would like to admit. Indeed, momentarily, it seemed to help me move on due to the negative emotions evoked in my heart. 

Yet, if we were to be completely clean with ourselves, it accomplishes nearly nothing.

If anything, it detaches us from our ability to empathize, removes us from our ability to understand, and deludes us into believing that we are innocent.

Mistakes should never lead us to condemnation.
Mistakes should lead us to comprehend the limitation of ourselves and turn our eyes to our limitless God.

We can either start pointing fingers, or we can come to the honest conclusion that all of us fall short in our ability to love.

The moment we place something other than God at the throne of our hearts, we start making decisions based on our own "wisdom."

I haven't lived for a very long time, but I think I have witnessed enough misadventures my emotions have brought me into.

It's not, and will never be within the capacity of my heart to uphold that throne.

It does not belong to me... but Jesus.

Will I Ever be Like Jesus?

A friend had told me to start writing.

Not because I have the greatest writing talent, not because I possess the wisest mind; 

but simply because this is the stage where I am hurting the most.

It has been 3 weeks since he broke the news of wanting to call off our engagement:

Week 1: Out of desperation I consulted our pastor who advised us against making decisions that we might regret due to our emotional state.

I tried convincing him that if we were to be reconciled, it would have been different - promising things that I know I couldn't uphold.

Every morning I woke up at dawn, crying, thinking of strategies that will hopefully change his mind.

Week 2: Status still unknown; meditating fervently believing that God wants to restore the relationship. All I had to do was rest.

During this week I had multiple nightmares for consecutive nights; my thoughts ran wilder than my heart could take. Hence, I finally opened up to more people who were close who provided words comfort for me.

Yesterday, we officially ended things. 

Not because I wanted to, but because I had to as he could not continue living in the pretense of our "engaged" status when in fact, his heart had wandered.

My emotions have been swinging like a pendulum: 

There are days I thought I had moved on and grasped the peace of Christ that surpasses all understanding, and the very next day I would crash - hard - and find myself in a battlefield of my own mind.

If I can be really honest, at this point of my life, I am embarrassed.

Almost as if I am sick of the fickleness of my emotions.

I have had a week of love from my friends and family coming in a form of companion, consolation, and most importantly, the Word of God.

But why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? (Psalm 43:5)

I don't want them to worry about me, or to think that whatever they have sowed into my life is futile.

Today one of my good friends texted me and asked on how I was doing.
"I don't even know where to begin with my emotion," I replied.
Usually he doesn't reply fast but immediately he said:
"Express to God first. Can you write down this whole thingy? I believe it'll really bless you when you look back next time."

And I will never forget what he said after that:

"When you journal onto the Lord, it's worship.. Like how Psalm is in David's diary, and how we draw strength from it even until today. Your mess will be someone's message next time. Someone else's reason to see hope in the Lord and glory in the future."

So here I am today, starting a blog... writing.

Because I want you to know that despite all of storm and waves that the world may bring, God is still good, and God is still greater.

That one day I am going to look back and be grateful for everything that had happened.