Run away.
To push, and to distant yourself from the gut-wrenching situation that engulfs and suffocates - so much so that sometimes you wish you would just fall asleep and never wake up. I remember the raw feeling of pain, so unbearable that sometimes death seems like an easier choice.
During the 2 weeks of break we had, I find myself in that space of struggle between two options; to run away from the situation, or to run towards the solution - God - which could take a major inside job that might not give immediate result.
To be quite honest, sometimes letting go and letting God hurts more than I want it to. I mean, do I really want to go through the painful process of an inside job on top of the hurt I am already experiencing?
Don't you think?
It seems so much easier for us to run away: to sweep the issue under a rug and convince ourselves that we can live with it. Then, after it is concealed into that corner of our hearts that we deny, we take the next step by turning to what we think brings us happiness: shopping/ drinking/ traveling/ working/ etc.
So, I did.
I hung out with my very good friend; we ate, we laughed, we shopped, we indulged ourselves in the things that made me "happier." And for a moment i actually convinced myself that all I had to do was occupy myself with these things every single day until time heals the wound.
Yet, the days I drew from the "happiness" I thought could sustain my joy, were the days I crash the hardest. The silence of the dawn had forced me to face the reality of the heart - the harrowing realization that my heart was emptier than before.
We often view these activities and/or aspirations as anecdotes to the pain of our hearts, wishing that it would somehow diminish the scars - perhaps completely - so we could walk again with confidence.
Or as the saying goes: "Love like you have never been hurt"
Ironically, in this 26 years of experiences living, I find that the people who have the greatest capacity to love are the ones who are vulnerable enough to be broken.
You see, those mess under the rug will never go away as much as we would like delude ourselves that the surface is clean. If anything, the piles are going to get higher we cannot help but trip over it one day.
Pretending pain never happened does not make us a whole person. Accepting pain happened, and witnessing the beauty it produces does.
Perhaps it is in those moments of fragility, when we surrender to the Perfecter, that we become truly whole.
💕
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