Will I Ever be Like Jesus?

A friend had told me to start writing.

Not because I have the greatest writing talent, not because I possess the wisest mind; 

but simply because this is the stage where I am hurting the most.

It has been 3 weeks since he broke the news of wanting to call off our engagement:

Week 1: Out of desperation I consulted our pastor who advised us against making decisions that we might regret due to our emotional state.

I tried convincing him that if we were to be reconciled, it would have been different - promising things that I know I couldn't uphold.

Every morning I woke up at dawn, crying, thinking of strategies that will hopefully change his mind.

Week 2: Status still unknown; meditating fervently believing that God wants to restore the relationship. All I had to do was rest.

During this week I had multiple nightmares for consecutive nights; my thoughts ran wilder than my heart could take. Hence, I finally opened up to more people who were close who provided words comfort for me.

Yesterday, we officially ended things. 

Not because I wanted to, but because I had to as he could not continue living in the pretense of our "engaged" status when in fact, his heart had wandered.

My emotions have been swinging like a pendulum: 

There are days I thought I had moved on and grasped the peace of Christ that surpasses all understanding, and the very next day I would crash - hard - and find myself in a battlefield of my own mind.

If I can be really honest, at this point of my life, I am embarrassed.

Almost as if I am sick of the fickleness of my emotions.

I have had a week of love from my friends and family coming in a form of companion, consolation, and most importantly, the Word of God.

But why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? (Psalm 43:5)

I don't want them to worry about me, or to think that whatever they have sowed into my life is futile.

Today one of my good friends texted me and asked on how I was doing.
"I don't even know where to begin with my emotion," I replied.
Usually he doesn't reply fast but immediately he said:
"Express to God first. Can you write down this whole thingy? I believe it'll really bless you when you look back next time."

And I will never forget what he said after that:

"When you journal onto the Lord, it's worship.. Like how Psalm is in David's diary, and how we draw strength from it even until today. Your mess will be someone's message next time. Someone else's reason to see hope in the Lord and glory in the future."

So here I am today, starting a blog... writing.

Because I want you to know that despite all of storm and waves that the world may bring, God is still good, and God is still greater.

That one day I am going to look back and be grateful for everything that had happened.