I Can't Take it Anymore...

Do you know what is the most tempting thing to do when faced with pain?

Run away.

To push, and to distant yourself from the gut-wrenching situation that engulfs and suffocates - so much so that sometimes you wish you would just fall asleep and never wake up. I remember the raw feeling of pain, so unbearable that sometimes death seems like an easier choice.

During the 2 weeks of break we had, I find myself in that space of struggle between two options; to run away from the situation, or to run towards the solution - God - which could take a major inside job that might not give immediate result.
To be quite honest, sometimes letting go and letting God hurts more than I want it to. I mean, do I really want to go through the painful process of an inside job on top of the hurt I am already experiencing?

Don't you think?
It seems so much easier for us to run away: to sweep the issue under a rug and convince ourselves that we can live with it. Then, after it is concealed into that corner of our hearts that we deny, we take the next step by turning to what we think brings us happiness: shopping/ drinking/ traveling/ working/ etc.

So, I did.
I hung out with my very good friend; we ate, we laughed, we shopped, we indulged ourselves in the things that made me "happier." And for a moment i actually convinced myself that all I had to do was occupy myself with these things every single day until time heals the wound.

Yet, the days I drew from the "happiness" I thought could sustain my joy, were the days I crash the hardest. The silence of the dawn had forced me to face the reality of the heart - the harrowing realization that my heart was emptier than before. 

We often view these activities and/or aspirations as anecdotes to the pain of our hearts, wishing that it would somehow diminish the scars - perhaps completely - so we could walk again with confidence. 
Or as the saying goes: "Love like you have never been hurt"

Ironically, in this 26 years of experiences living, I find that the people who have the greatest capacity to love are the ones who are vulnerable enough to be broken.

You see, those mess under the rug will never go away as much as we would like delude ourselves that the surface is clean. If anything, the piles are going to get higher we cannot help but trip over it one day.

Pretending pain never happened does not make us a whole person. Accepting pain happened, and witnessing the beauty it produces does.

Perhaps it is in those moments of fragility, when we surrender to the Perfecter, that we become truly whole.

Who is the Anchor of Your Soul?

The most resonant advice I have received from the first few friends I opened up was to allow only the voice of God be heard in the midst of my turbulence.

I did not realize the weight of those words until I finally opened up to more people - now that our status was clear.

With the best interest in their hearts, some of the advices I have gotten go along the lines of:

1) It happening because I deserved someone better

"Well, I don't think you deserve being treated that way, God must have someone better"

2) Why he did it despite the prior commitment/promise

"Did he consult with any wise counsel before making such a serious decision?"

3) Justifying his deeds with theorizations

"Perhaps he met someone new..."

When situations do not work out the way we want to, it is almost natural for us to immediately search for reasons or persons to blame. We want to justify our flesh by speculating according to our glasses - perception.

Why?

Perhaps pride.

The truth is, these thoughts have gushed through my mind more than I would like to admit. Indeed, momentarily, it seemed to help me move on due to the negative emotions evoked in my heart. 

Yet, if we were to be completely clean with ourselves, it accomplishes nearly nothing.

If anything, it detaches us from our ability to empathize, removes us from our ability to understand, and deludes us into believing that we are innocent.

Mistakes should never lead us to condemnation.
Mistakes should lead us to comprehend the limitation of ourselves and turn our eyes to our limitless God.

We can either start pointing fingers, or we can come to the honest conclusion that all of us fall short in our ability to love.

The moment we place something other than God at the throne of our hearts, we start making decisions based on our own "wisdom."

I haven't lived for a very long time, but I think I have witnessed enough misadventures my emotions have brought me into.

It's not, and will never be within the capacity of my heart to uphold that throne.

It does not belong to me... but Jesus.

Will I Ever be Like Jesus?

A friend had told me to start writing.

Not because I have the greatest writing talent, not because I possess the wisest mind; 

but simply because this is the stage where I am hurting the most.

It has been 3 weeks since he broke the news of wanting to call off our engagement:

Week 1: Out of desperation I consulted our pastor who advised us against making decisions that we might regret due to our emotional state.

I tried convincing him that if we were to be reconciled, it would have been different - promising things that I know I couldn't uphold.

Every morning I woke up at dawn, crying, thinking of strategies that will hopefully change his mind.

Week 2: Status still unknown; meditating fervently believing that God wants to restore the relationship. All I had to do was rest.

During this week I had multiple nightmares for consecutive nights; my thoughts ran wilder than my heart could take. Hence, I finally opened up to more people who were close who provided words comfort for me.

Yesterday, we officially ended things. 

Not because I wanted to, but because I had to as he could not continue living in the pretense of our "engaged" status when in fact, his heart had wandered.

My emotions have been swinging like a pendulum: 

There are days I thought I had moved on and grasped the peace of Christ that surpasses all understanding, and the very next day I would crash - hard - and find myself in a battlefield of my own mind.

If I can be really honest, at this point of my life, I am embarrassed.

Almost as if I am sick of the fickleness of my emotions.

I have had a week of love from my friends and family coming in a form of companion, consolation, and most importantly, the Word of God.

But why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? (Psalm 43:5)

I don't want them to worry about me, or to think that whatever they have sowed into my life is futile.

Today one of my good friends texted me and asked on how I was doing.
"I don't even know where to begin with my emotion," I replied.
Usually he doesn't reply fast but immediately he said:
"Express to God first. Can you write down this whole thingy? I believe it'll really bless you when you look back next time."

And I will never forget what he said after that:

"When you journal onto the Lord, it's worship.. Like how Psalm is in David's diary, and how we draw strength from it even until today. Your mess will be someone's message next time. Someone else's reason to see hope in the Lord and glory in the future."

So here I am today, starting a blog... writing.

Because I want you to know that despite all of storm and waves that the world may bring, God is still good, and God is still greater.

That one day I am going to look back and be grateful for everything that had happened.